Episode: 4484
Title: HPR4484: When Your Dentist Uses ChatControl Logic
Source: https://hub.hackerpublicradio.org/ccdn.php?filename=/eps/hpr4484/hpr4484.mp3
Transcribed: 2025-11-22 14:55:23

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This is Hacker Public Radio Episode 4484 for Thursday 9 October 2025.
Today's show is entitled, When Your Dentist Uses Chat Control Logic.
It is hosted by Troler Coaster and is about 14 minutes long.
It carries a clean flag.
The summary is, Troler Coaster alerts us to the dangers of the proposed EU chat control
legislation.
So here I am, sitting in the waiting room with a mildly annoying toothache, nothing
got a shruffick, just one of those dull throbs that tells you something's going on in there
that could turn nasty if ignored.
The receptionist calls my name, and I walk into Dr. Chat Control's office.
The dentist greets me with a concerned expression.
I've reviewed your case, he says gravely, and many others.
Toothaches are a serious problem.
Did you know that in 2023 alone, at least 111,988 people in Europe experienced a dental
pain that's over 60% of all global complaints traced to this region.
Okay, I say, but I just need you to take a look at this one tooth.
This is an epidemic interrupts, and we can't just treat symptoms anymore.
We need a comprehensive mandatory risk assessment.
Dr. Chat Control pulls out a 47-page questionnaire.
First we assess the risk that your mouth might develop cavities, gum disease, or oral cancer
he explained.
This applies to everyone, regardless of whether they have symptoms.
But I have symptoms, I say, this is why I'm here.
Exactly, he says triumphantly.
Which means your high risk.
So we move on to phase 2 mitigation measures.
He hands me a pamphlet titled safety by design for oral health.
From now on, you need to implement parental control on your diet.
Every candy will come with an age verification wrapper and user reporting mechanisms, so
your teeth can flag potential problems and verify your age before consuming any hard
foods.
It's verification, I retort, but I'm 38.
Perfect, he replies.
That means you're old enough to consent to monitoring.
Now, Dr. Chat Control continues, since your mitigation measures haven't been implemented
yet, you just got here, I know, I'm authorized to issue a detection order.
He holds up an official looking document with a judges signature.
This allows me to scan not just the tooth that hurts, but your entire mouth and your
sinuses, and your lymph nodes, and just to be thorough, everyone in the waiting room.
Huh?
Oh, hey, what?
I blurt out.
It's targeted.
He assures me.
We're only scanning high-risk areas, which, according to our independent EU dental
center, is every tooth, every patient, all the time.
But here's the clever part, Dr. Chat Control says.
Pulling out what looks like a tiny sander strapped to an airbrush.
Your enamel contains layers that currently block our view with regards to early detection
of certain viruses.
So we need to replace the enamel with an optimized layer that perfectly protects against
currently known sugars and acids, but allows our government-approved detection equipment
to inspect the content of your teeth.
I'm flabbergasted.
Oh, you want to weaken my enamel?
Wow, only slightly.
He said cheerfully.
Just enough so that our scanner can monitor what's happening inside your teeth all the
times.
You'll feel much safer.
And don't worry, the new enamel will still protect you from everything else.
How is that possible?
If you can penetrate it, I can't use the cautious.
Well, factory-approved candies, for example, he says, repeatable candy manufacturers have
agreed to respect the adapted enamel and not penetrate it.
They've signed a treaty to use optimized sugars, okay?
And the artisanal candies, I ask, he says, adjusting his glasses.
Those are obviously illegal.
Those criminals don't tend to honor treaties.
So yeah, the adapted enamel will make your teeth more vulnerable to unauthorized cavity
formation, bacterial attacks, and anyone who wants to exploit the fact that your natural
protection has been replaced with enough to optimize version.
So you're making my teeth less secure, I repeat?
We're making them more observable, he corrects.
With a slightly annoyed tone, that's a difference.
Your teeth will still be protected, just not against us.
Or hostile foreign candy shops.
Or those criminal artisanal real sugar nuts.
But you have no business there anyway.
And they will definitely protect you against harms from law abiding candy.
But I read like over 500 leading dentists signed a letter saying this would create massive
vulnerabilities, I point out.
Those dentists are thinking about long-term hygiene, but the chat controlled size dismissively.
Besides, it's not a back door, if we're replacing the front door with a tinted glass door,
given all your citizens are law abiding, his tone gets stoner if he continues.
Let me say more.
If you refuse to upgrade your enamel, we will consider you a risk of dental terrorism.
This is no longer about your teeth only, you must know.
If you choose to blatantly ignore your teeth, you're a threat to society.
But the whole reason I am here is because I care about my teeth.
Dr. Holtzup is machine and asks, do you want me to treat you or to report you?
Okay, whatever.
It seems everybody is doing this.
I don't want to be the outcast, crying wolf all the time, so I gave in.
It's a relief, the procedure isn't painful.
After completing the baseline scan, Dr. Chat Control frowns at the screen.
Hmm, this is concerning, he says.
The system has flagged 8,412 potential cavities.
Huh?
What?
But I only have 32 teeth, I whimper.
The detection algorithm works on a probabilistic model, he explains.
Swiss dental authorities report that about 80% of automated cavity reports of our false
positives, so we'll need to investigate all of them.
But that still means 1,682 of those threats are real?
I say.
Which is still 1,682 too many, Dr. Chat Control blurs.
Now I'll need to drill exploratory holes in every tooth, in your gums, your tongue,
and just to be safe in your neighbor's mouth, because the system flagged them too, when
they walked past the waiting room.
But the disk seems insane.
The math is solid, he insists.
Again at 99.99% accuracy, which doesn't exist, we still generate 100,000 false dental
alerts per day across Europe's 450 million people, but we can't let the cavities win.
While Dr. Chat Control explains his flawless system, I notice how the tooth that is actually
hurting, the one I came to fix, is starting to abscess.
Dr. I say, pointing to the swelling.
We'll get to that after we finish scanning everyone, he says dismissively.
The important thing is that no cavity goes undetected, even if it means we spend all our
time investigating healthy teeth.
But the actual problem is getting worse, I say.
That's because sophisticated cavities have learned to evade detection.
Dr. Chat Control explains.
They change their appearance slightly, maybe grow on the back of the tooth instead of
the front, or hide under existing fillings, our algorithms can't catch those yet.
But what about that letter from those 500 dentists?
They also claim it's technically infeasible?
Ah, they're just not thinking big enough, the doctor blocks my argument.
So here's the treatment plan, Dr. Chat Control says, we're gonna install a permanent scanning
device in your jaw that monitors every tooth, 24-7, and reports any suspicious activity
to a centralized EU dental database.
Ooh, that sounds like a massive security risk.
Ah, not at all, here it applies.
The device is encrypted, only our scanner can look behind your upgraded enamel.
What leaves your tooth is already encrypted, so your privacy is intact.
No other device than ours can read the data.
What about those knock-offs you can buy on all the express?
I ask.
Ah, they don't work reliably.
And also, why would hackers want access to your teeth, his coughed?
Although, now that I think about it, the device itself could make a high-valuable target for
malicious actors as they could abuse them to learn how to make knock-off candy that
doesn't get detected by scanners.
Things your natural enamel would obviously protect against, but let's not go there.
By the way, Dr. Chat Control adds casually, dentists and dental workers in the EU are exempt
from the scanning requirement under professional dental secrecy.
So there they don't get monitored, I ask.
Correct, he says.
Our oral health is a matter of public trust.
Yours, however, requires constant surveillance.
Ah, isn't that like a double standard?
Eh, it's a two-tire system for a two-tire society, here applies pleasantly.
Now shall we proceed with installing the jaw monitor?
By this point, my actual toothache is developing into a full-blown infection.
The pain is incruciating.
Dr. I need antibiotics and a root canal, I cry.
No, we don't do target treatments anymore.
Dr. Chat Control says, that's the old model.
Now we focus on comprehensive mandatory monitoring.
But I'm going to lose my tooth, I say, perhaps he acknowledges.
But while we were scanning everyone in the waiting room, we found three people with slightly
suspicious molars.
They're perfectly healthy now.
But they could develop cavity someday.
That's three potential problems prevented.
And preventing is always better than curing.
But my problem actually needs curing, I point out, it's getting worse.
Yeah, he admits.
But we've invested so much in the scanning infrastructure that we can't really afford
to do traditional dentistry anymore.
The system needs to justify itself, you understand.
Oh, but this isn't sane, I repeat.
This is progress, he corrects me.
As I'm leaving the office, still with my untreated, painful mouth and a jaw full of surveillance
equipment, I notice the sign on the door, signal dental, orthodontic streamer, and brought
on mouth care, have seized operations in the EU due to incompatibility with mandatory
scanning requirements.
Apparently, the dentists who actually know how to fix my teeth without installing spyware
have all moved to Switzerland.
Meanwhile, I hear the voice of Dr. Chad Control behind me in the waiting room announcing
to everyone, we've successfully detected 6,847 potential cavities this week.
And someone asks what he means by potential, he quietly answers, only 11 were real, but
that's 11 teeth saved.
The infection is still spreading, my mouth is throbbing, and I'll probably lose my tooth
after all because nobody's actually treating it, but at least the healthy ones are under
constant surveillance.
Okay, so this was my story, I made fun of it, but it's not funny.
I mean, it's about wasting loads of money on a noble goal in all the wrong ways.
But next week, October 14th, the vote will be cast in the EU, so it's high time to reach
out to your MEP and ask their stance if they're undecided, or their motivation if they're
in favor.
Go to fightchatcontrol.eu if you live in Europe.
And don't forget if you don't live in Europe, this will also impact you because we can
create encryption in mainstream products, we'll spread, and the weekend encryption will
be used everywhere.
So fightchatcontrol.eu, reach out to your MEPs if you're living in Europe, and make some
fuss about it, please, because this isn't important.
You have been listening to Hacker Public Radio, as Hacker Public Radio does work.
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