Episode: 961
Title: HPR0961: Experiences in a mental hospital
Source: https://hub.hackerpublicradio.org/ccdn.php?filename=/eps/hpr0961/hpr0961.mp3
Transcribed: 2025-10-08 05:39:41

---

I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't
know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do,
I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I
don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I just do it now, I can't see that. But what I want is a real issue, it ends here. I can't see it. I can't see it now, I can't see any. I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know what I'm going to do, I just do it now, I can't see it. Ooh! I love it, new stories open up. Oh, this sounds so good. I love it, brrne. yeah, fucking it. I'm going to do the live better in the country, I
22, minus 4, William talked to me, 64, 99, 100, and 8, and...
Hello, everyone. My name is Sig Flub, and in this episode of Miscellaneous Raider Theatre, 4,096, I'm going to be talking about
paranoia, psychosis, depression, and just in general craziness. The reason why I want to talk about this
is because I was recently hospitalized for a touch under a month, and my diagnosis
was major-depressive disorder with psychotic features. I thought cars were falling
me, I thought the mob was after me, I thought people were reading my mind, and in various other crazy things.
And so I want to talk about it, and I feel it's relevant to the Hacker community because, well, you see, I've always
always sort of put myself in a state of vigilance for a few reasons, mainly for being queer, and being someone anti-social.
Secondly, for being in the Hacker community, for you, hasherties and encrypt your eyes, and generally take the stance of not trusting the user or
anyone else for that matter, which isn't a healthy state of vigilance, in my opinion, because it's productive, and it's realistic.
But I don't know why I broke, but I think that keeping myself in this state, not the Hacker stuff alone,
mostly the queer stuff, keeping myself in this state, just made me freak out, and I know what my triggers are now.
I know I generally can figure out what's real in a couple of days at the worst, and a couple of hours at the best.
Well, at the very best, I can go, no, that's crazy right away, but generally, a couple of hours if I am being paranoid.
I want to describe the hospital, I want to describe a lot of things. When I was in the hospital, I kept an audio journal because I had nothing really to do.
And so I would call up my voicemail and keep an audio journal, and I want to play that for you, to give you a sense of what it was like.
So we'll begin. This is starting at the beginning. I hope you enjoy my audio journal. Take care everyone. Bye-bye.
Hello everyone. Today is the 21st. I'm still in the hospital. I'm a fucking paranoia. I just got back from a pass. I'm a code 3, which means I'm going up passes.
And I first passed, while most recent happened, the second most recent passed, I went out to the parking lot, and I felt suspicious of the cars, but they were looking at me, but they were following me.
Most recent pass, the one today, I went way far with Jess and had no feelings of suspicion about cars, about people, about really anything.
It was good. I felt almost no paranoia, but towards the end, I became very, very anxious and I'm being excited and continued. When I got back in, I'm hopefully shaken up by the whole ordeal.
I'm glad to be back in this place. It's my safe place. I am overheard the staff talking about a doctor who couldn't get into one of the stations for lack of ID.
And I immediately thought that that was because of me, and I thought that they found me, and they followed me here, and now they know where I am here.
I have dismissed that now. That was paranoid, and I am now washing my shirt, because it smells like me outside. I want to be back in this place and feel safe, because I feel safe in this place.
I can work on myself here. So, thank you for listening, and again, this was January 20, 2012.
That was my journal. A few weeks into my stay, I was doing a lot better. I felt as if I were in a safe place, and that they couldn't get me.
Who they is, in my mind, is a bit ethereal. But at the time, I believed it was the mob, and now I don't know who it is.
I still believe that I am being followed, and so I'm working on that, because I know that's paranoid.
So, I'm still working on this. I was doing much, much better from here on. I got better and better and better.
I'm still not completely in 100% with reality right now, but let's continue. In this one, I'm going to describe a little bit more about the hospital.
It's 1-21-2000 job. I actually think I will make an HCR episode out of this, so let me describe the place.
I am in a psych ward in Minnesota, in Minneapolis, the building.
Sorry for that. The building has seven wards from what I understand. The entire building announcements are overhead.
Code 21 from my understanding means that someone can get tied up tonight. Code blue means cardiac arrest. Code green means behavioral disturbance.
I'm not exactly sure what that is. I've never heard a code green before. I got this from asking a nurse. And code red means fire.
Now, the entire place is locked. There's a lobby area and a desk area. There's usually three. I'm sorry, there's usually two psych associates working at any time.
And two nurses. There are two teams. And two primary doctors. My primary doctor is Nelson. There's this little behavioral therapy or anything like that.
This is mainly the gaze table and out into outpatient care, where there is a lot more therapy.
All the doors are locked, of course. Double locked. There are two locked redundant doors. There are six cameras in this unit.
Three of which are aimed at doors to which are in the lobby and the third. I've been looking at the screen. I'm not exactly sure where the third is. But it's somewhere.
There's rooms usually one or two rooms. One or two patients. Everything's secured. When you come in, when you leave, when you come in, you get searched.
They put you in a gown. Search for all your possessions. Search for all your clothes. That happens every time. I'm going on a passes now. That happens every time I get back in.
There are people coming and leaving. The first door is by RFID. Passive RFID.
I'm just based on the fact that it looks like the RFID card in one of the buildings that I lived at. It's in bypassive. I mean, not challenge response. I could be wrong on this.
And the second way out is by key. Sometimes it's reversed. Or there's key in RFID. And there's one main entrance where it's RFID in RFID.
I think that's all I really have to say about the place. Right now, room check, choice of day. Once in the morning, once in the evening.
Search for any contraband. You do have lockers with everything that all the contraband that you have that you came in with. And they will put that in there. And you get that back. There isn't that end of your stay.
I think that's all called back by I think of anything else. There are several switches here. Wall. Switches that don't exactly know what they. Yeah, this is yours. No, don't worry about it. There you go. There are several switches here. I don't know exactly what they do. I've been flipping them.
The board looks like this place was originally a medical hospital. There are a lot of panels. You know those panels that you put on top of boxes that are in the wall. Like you have a power box or something. You put a panel on it. It has no external features. It's just a panel. There are lots and lots of those. I imagine this used to be all medical.
That's it. Motion detectors throughout the building. Motion detectors in the entrance is in the exits. There is a staff bathroom that is almost accessible just by key. And there is a staff locker which is just by key. I don't know if you can get out from those places. Probably not.
The ceiling tiles in the main area. No ceiling tiles in the individual. The patient rooms. And thanks for listening. Take care.
And now let's continue on to some of the happenings at the old hospital to give you a sense of what the days like days were like there.
There's a patient here who has a couple of patients here who are experiencing mania. One of them is experiencing pre-susuromania. The problem with the latter patient is any medication that they give her just to be patient.
There's a patient here who is experiencing pre-susuromania which is funny. But that's the least what she says. And she just started being in Windows and went on.
I've never heard the staff thinking about calling Code 21 or Code Green on her. Probably her after early. So some shit is going to go down. Maybe she'll get caught up tonight.
But well that was funny. They had a skull tour rooms. I heard no overhead page or anything like that. They go tour rooms and there's a security issue. And I do not know what happened.
But patient named Joe is missing. So I don't know what happened with Joe. Thanks for listening. Bye.
You have been listening to Hacker Public Radio where Hacker Public Radio does our. We are a community podcast network that releases shows every weekday Monday through Friday.
Today's show, like all our shows, was contributed by a HPR listener by yourself. If you ever consider recording a podcast, then visit our website to find out how easy it really is.
Hacker Public Radio was founded by the digital dog pound and near the phenomenal computer club. HPR is funded by the binary revolution at binwreff.com. All binwreff projects are crowd-sponsored by linear pages.
From shared hosting to custom private clouds, go to lunarpages.com for all your hosting needs.
Unless otherwise stasis, today's show is released under a creative comments, attribution, share a line, lead us our license.